Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Shit I've Learned From Motherhood

I'm not a Mommy blogger.

You're totally shocked. I know.

But I am a Mom. I've been around the proverbial block. I've come out on the other side for the most part.

I'm qualified. More than 20 years in the industry, even. I've seen some shit, you guys. Being a mom is like no experience in the world. I say that both lovingly and as a warning.

The seasoned vet that I am decided to share a few things that I've learned about motherhood. Write them down. Learn them, love them, live them.

You're about to embark on a lifetime journey of chronic worry. This will never go away. Until you die. Congratulations.

Your feelings will cycle rapidly. From a swelling pride to absolute shoot me now in 2.5 seconds. This is called parent induced bipolar disorder. (This is just a theory of mine. After all, I'm a doctor with credentials from WebMD.)

All dignity goes out the window. Shy about your body? Don't worry. By the end of your nine-month pregnancy journey, your vag will have been handled by a rotation of obstetricians and medical students. When the time to push comes, you'll give zero shits about who's sitting courtside. (P.S. make it count by insisting friends and family pay a cover charge. Just food for thought.)

You'll briefly look like a homeless woman.

Remember that pregnancy glow you had? Forget about it. Don't worry though, your hair will have the most vibrant, greasy sheen. Dry shampoo can't even save you. That flawless nail game you were so notorious for has been traded out for naked nails. The horror. If you're really lucky, diaper rash cream will get lodged under your nails and give the illusion of your beloved French mani. You'll live in your sweatpants and every shirt you own will have at least one baby vom stain.

Once you get through the sleep deprivation, you'll turn a corner. You'll master the three-minute shower, because Shower Schizophrenia.

Speaking of the powder room, all your bathroom breaks will be televised. Possibly in front of a live studio audience. You won't urinate in private again for a few years. But you'll be okay. You lost modesty in the delivery room, remember?

Before you know it, your kids are potty trained and you've finally upgraded your urine stained sofa. You even manage to paint your nails. Life is good.

Then school starts. Your perfect, sweet, round-faced angel will come home with what I call school onset asshole'itis. Yeah, I said it. It's about to get a whole lot worse, too. They start rolling their eyes. AT YOU. Often. These eye rolls are a test designed to break you. Stay cool. This is just to prep you for what's to come. You'll call for the same patience you mustered on those long, sleepless, colic-filled nights. You'll pick up the phone and call your Mom to apologize for being a complete dick. (If you haven't called your mother yet, you will.)

The teenage years, though. Those are the ones that are going to completely throw you off your game. Your sweet little baby is now a ball of hormones. They hate you, they hate school, they hate red meat, & they hate the chevron striped bedroom you painted proudly for their eighth birthday.

If your soul hasn't been crushed yet, hang ten. Mother nature hasn't missed you because dating is on its way. Now it's you that is filled with hate. You hate your daughter's boyfriend, "Lo". His real name is David and he drives a beat-up minivan....with a mattress in the back. You'll hate your son's "serious" girlfriends. All six of them and he's still a freshman in high school.

But whatever you do, don't you dare let them know your disgust of their flavor of the week is real. It'll only make it more appealing to them. It's basic psychology.

It's not too late to rethink your home security system, you know?

Your baby will get his/her heart broken. Over and over again. You remind yourself that prison isn't your bag and you'll spend all your extra energy giving your kids sage advice. Sage advice that they'll wipe their ass on. Sage advice that they won't listen to until they have babies of their own. Only then will your words become the gospel. In the meantime, let's just drink about it.

*This post may be linked up to these kick ass blogs:


  1. Haha! Right now I am done with the newborn stage, but pretty much have all of the other stages covered at once. Preschool, tween and teen. It's just lovely..... What was I thinking???

    1. Oh bless your sweet heart! LOL

      You know what though? You'll be so busy juggling all the stages, you won't even have time to wallow in sorrow. You've got this, Mama!

  2. You've pretty much nailed what my plan is. cheers.

  3. LOL, I am at the college stage with both of mine. One is having major freak outs because she just found out that she will have enough credits to graduate with her B.A in May (i.e, needs to find a real job). The other one is like having a giant pet (He does go to school and works but...)around who basically eats and lays around.

    The joys of children.

  4. This sounds like quite the journey lol! I love the idea of a cover charge to attend your birth haha
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes :)