Monday, February 20, 2017

Parenting and Why It's Not For The Faint of Heart

As Moms, (and Dads) we see some scary shit.

The Cone-head Baby



Moms aren't the only ones who endure a traumatic birth process. The babies take a beating on the way out, as well. Some come out with swollen eyes, bruises, and yes, the dreaded cone head. Don't panic too much, the cone-head always subsides. Until it does, thank God for cute hats. Because it's kind of freaky, no?


Disastrous Diapers 

You guys know what I'm talking about. Those diapers that make you want to just throw your baby in the garbage and start anew.

Head Lice




Once your sweet bae starts school or daycare, there's a fair chance they'll pick up more than the common cold. Yep, I'm talking about head lice. If your head isn't itching after reading this, I question that you're even a real person.


Pre-Orthodontist Teeth

Kids go through that phase where their teeth are all over the place. Sideways, crooked, spaced out, overbite, underbite, you name it. Nine times out of then, they sort of just grow into them. Don't worry if they don't though, an ortho is more than happy to take five grand from you.

Diaper Rash

I guess nobody's skin handles sitting in a urine-soaked diaper twenty-four hours a day. Babies are notorious for copping a major case of diaper rash. The type of rash that you take one look at and are certain your sweet baby has measles, mumps, AND rubella. (Even though you vaccinated them.)

Night Terrors
My daughter put me through this particular hell. It's okay, though, it only lasted for five or six years. Seriously, I have no way to prepare you for what it's like to have a screaming child at 2 a.m. who doesn't seem to really be awake or asleep. Don't bother with an exorcism. They'll outgrow it. But you're going to be sleep deprived. Really, really sleep deprived.

The Uber Tantrum

 If you've already survived a toddler, you know even the sweetest kid can break bad when they can't have ice cream for dinner. I'm talking about a full on, throw themselves into the floor, screaming like they've been stabbed, hyperventilating tantrum. Don't worry. They won't need you to resuscitate them, but you'll be allowed to claim PTSD afterward.


Injuries

You may get lucky and have a graceful child. But for most of us, E.R. visits are just par for the course. Broken bones, foreign objects in the nose, stitches, and surgeries-some parents really get a bad break here. (No pun intended.) Between the bloodshed and the insanely large hospital bills, parenting isn't for the faint of heart. 

Projectile Vomiting
This is a very real thing, my friends. Linda Blair ain't got nothin' on these kids. A newborn baby can spew across a room and leave you wondering how something so cute can do something so disgusting. You can't exchange your child for another one either. You'll just have to get used to it and hope they outgrow this phase. (They usually will. If not, bless your heart.)



I've seen some shit, man. I'm guessing you have, too. Share your parenting nightmares.


This is just the short list and in no way touches on your teenager. That's a whole other post. In short, embrace your sticky hellions. This is the easiest part.
JENerally Informed
My Random Musings

18 comments:

  1. the distances that a child can reach with expelled bodily fluids is not to be underestimated

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    1. Right? When my daughter was a newborn, (like a hundred years ago) I had just finished feeding her and she projectile vom'd ten feet from where I was holding her. I held her out at arm's length frozen in sheer horror. I assumed she was Satan's spawn. The jury is still out. ;)

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  2. Yep, and nothing prepared me for what a sick kid could do to a car... There are just no words.

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    1. Jen, how did I forget that one?! Seriously, no words. Just that horrific smell!

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  3. So spot on and so my laughs for the day. And I'm not gonna lie, now that they're teenagers I don't miss much about the younger stages except for the cute things they say and the cuddly when they smell good smell, ha ha

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    1. Haha! Agreed. That baby lotion smell just can't be beat. I'm glad to be mostly beyond these dreaded days. MOSTLY.

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  4. You know, I never understood when people said they celebrated their last changed diaper...until now. After 7.5 years, I'm ready to be done wiping butts. As luck would have it, there are probably at least another 3.5 in my future. F!

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  5. It is all so gross. Yesterday someone threw up in my hands, on the wall and in the car. The other twin pooped in the bath.

    Just kill me.

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  6. The ONLY reason I'm glad I had a C-section was that my children came out looking pretty fly (for a white guy - and gal). Can you imagine that being your first experience out of the womb? Newborns have a right to be pissed!

    As for the tantrums, I noticed that you didn't mention when exactly that will end. That strikes fear in my heart.. .

    Great post!

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  7. The ONLY reason I'm glad I had a C-section was that my children came out looking pretty fly (for a white guy - and gal). Can you imagine that being your first experience out of the womb? Newborns have a right to be pissed!

    As for the tantrums, I noticed that you didn't mention when exactly that will end. That strikes fear in my heart.. .

    Great post!

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  8. Cone head babies are scary. They're scary creatures in general. Especially with shit up their back and the Satanic noises they can make at any time. Bwhahah sorry mama :)
    #ShowMeYours

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  9. The worst diapers are in that phase when they start eating solid foods. How can carrot smell so bad!?!? #ShowMeYours

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  10. haha ... love the tantrum gify. It's like it's not even a gify. If you let it run for around 25 loops, that's more realistic!
    Don't forget the squirting pooh when the newborn nappy is off - shit show for sure!
    #ShowMeYours

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  11. Yes...so gross. I just dealt with the projectile vomiting earlier this week. Ugh...
    #showmeyours

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  12. Parenting should come with a hazmat suit haha and maybe some armour!
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes :)
    Debbie

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  13. Parenting is truly NOT for the faint-hearted! There is physical (read: no sleep) and emotional (read: Momguilt) exhaustion involved. Besides the crooked teeth, uber tantrums and shitty diapers!!! Love this post:)
    #ShowMeYours

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  14. We should certainly be warned about things BEFORE we become parents - parenting should come with a warning label! :)

    #showmeyours

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  15. Parenting isn't for the weak. We're currently at the stage where I'm wondering if runny poo diapers weren't perhaps the easy part... My kid is seven and a half now, and the second the "half" part kicked in (end of January, to be exact), her emotions went into overdrive. She's cried because "when I woke up a little while after falling asleep last night, you weren't there", and "you didn't write anything in the scrap book I made you", and because I told her she has to go to bed at night. Oh boy...

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