Shoutout to all of you ladies who are about to be Superbowl widows. Of course, for some of you, this could be a good thing. I guess it really depends on who you're married to.
I don't do football. Truth be told, I wasn't even sure who was playing in the Superbowl this year until I started writing this post. I'm always rooting for the nip slip at the halftime show, though.
In honor of Superbowl Sunday, I present to you, Shit I'd Rather Do Than Watch The Superbowl.
- Go to the gynecologist. A gynecologist with abnormally large hands and a frozen speculum.
- Attend a P.T.O. meeting. Sober.
- Give Honey Boo Boo's Mom a foot massage.
- Walk through a PETA protest with my mink dragging the ground.
- Make a list of name ideas for Beyonce's twins.
- Alphabetize the Olsen twins' diet pills.
- Spend the day with Kanye, talking about Kanye.
- Listen to the Kardashians talk about politics.
- Get a discount root canal in an alley.
- Go vegan.
- Have sex with Shia Lebeouf and Justin Bieber. At the same damn time. (I know. I gagged too.)
- Give up swearing for the rest of my life. Nah, I'm just fucking kidding.
- Swim with sharks while I'm on day two of my period.
- Get a Brazilian wax and immediately sit in a tub of rubbing alcohol.
Do you watch the Superbowl? Who do you hope wins? Will there be a commercial about opioid constipation this year? Stay tuned!
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