As Moms, (and Dads) we see some scary shit.
The Cone-head Baby
Moms aren't the only ones who endure a traumatic birth process. The babies take a beating on the way out, as well. Some come out with swollen eyes, bruises, and yes, the dreaded cone head. Don't panic too much, the cone-head always subsides. Until it does, thank God for cute hats. Because it's kind of freaky, no?
Disastrous Diapers
You guys know what I'm talking about. Those diapers that make you want to just throw your baby in the garbage and start anew.
Head Lice
Once your sweet bae starts school or daycare, there's a fair chance they'll pick up more than the common cold. Yep, I'm talking about head lice. If your head isn't itching after reading this, I question that you're even a real person.
Pre-Orthodontist Teeth
Kids go through that phase where their teeth are all over the place. Sideways, crooked, spaced out, overbite, underbite, you name it. Nine times out of then, they sort of just grow into them. Don't worry if they don't though, an ortho is more than happy to take five grand from you.
Diaper Rash
I guess nobody's skin handles sitting in a urine-soaked diaper twenty-four hours a day. Babies are notorious for copping a major case of diaper rash. The type of rash that you take one look at and are certain your sweet baby has measles, mumps, AND rubella. (Even though you vaccinated them.)
Night Terrors
My daughter put me through this particular hell. It's okay, though, it only lasted for five or six years. Seriously, I have no way to prepare you for what it's like to have a screaming child at 2 a.m. who doesn't seem to really be awake or asleep. Don't bother with an exorcism. They'll outgrow it. But you're going to be sleep deprived. Really, really sleep deprived.
The Uber Tantrum
If you've already survived a toddler, you know even the sweetest kid can break bad when they can't have ice cream for dinner. I'm talking about a full on, throw themselves into the floor, screaming like they've been stabbed, hyperventilating tantrum. Don't worry. They won't need you to resuscitate them, but you'll be allowed to claim PTSD afterward.
Injuries
You may get lucky and have a graceful child. But for most of us, E.R. visits are just par for the course. Broken bones, foreign objects in the nose, stitches, and surgeries-some parents really get a bad break here. (No pun intended.) Between the bloodshed and the insanely large hospital bills, parenting isn't for the faint of heart.
Projectile Vomiting
This is a very real thing, my friends. Linda Blair ain't got nothin' on these kids. A newborn baby can spew across a room and leave you wondering how something so cute can do something so disgusting. You can't exchange your child for another one either. You'll just have to get used to it and hope they outgrow this phase. (They usually will. If not, bless your heart.)
This is just the short list and in no way touches on your teenager. That's a whole other post. In short, embrace your sticky hellions. This is the easiest part.
