It has been suggested that I suffer from mood swings. I prefer to call them emotional twirls, though. I have a vagina and that's my excuse. Women are complex creatures. This isn't anything new. My people have been this way since, well, forever.
This no doubt started in the Garden of Eden. Picture it. Adam and Eve are a new couple, crazy in love like Bey and Jay. They're both on their best behavior. (You know how you bring 'A game you' into a new relationship? Super sweet, agreeable, pretending to love sports and power tools.)
It's early evening in TGOE and this O.G. couple is living the life. After all, they had no physical body to compare themselves too. Eve wasn't worried about her ass being too fat or too flat, Adam probably praising his penis. There were no Kardashian's to keep up with. Simpler times. It begins to near dinner time and this lustful pair has to refuel.
Eve: "You're such a gem, Adam. I'm starving."
She's only going to eat a few bites, though, because new relationship.
Adam: "What are you in the mood for? Maybe this fig and berries?"
He motions to his crotch.
Eve: "Oh, Adam. You're so bad."
She laughs, because new relationship.
Adam: "How about some lemons from the lemon tree? God said we can have any of the fruit we want as long as we stay away from that tree."
Eve: "Doesn't matter to me, sweetheart. You know I'm not picky."
Adam: "Maybe these blueberries, my love?"
Adam: "I could go catch a fish for you."
Eve: "No. That'll take too long."
Adam: "I could feed you grapes, perhaps."
Eve: "I hate grapes. How do you not know I hate grapes? You've known me for three days. It's pretty obvious."
Adam: "We could always try that forbidden fruit. Who's gonna notice?"
Eve: "You know we can't eat the forbidden fruit."
Defeated Adam: "Just tell me what you want, Eve. I'll get it for you."
Eve: "Just fucking forget it, Adam. I'm not hungry. Never mind, I'll just starve. It's fine. Really. Whatever."
Eve (probably) stomped off in an effort to prove a point. Adam (probably) admired his penis and missed the point anyway. Five minutes later, Eve returns to Adam with forbidden fruit in hand.
Eve: "I made you dinner because I love you so much. You're perfect, Adam."
You know what happened next. Big G told these rule breakers to kick rocks with no shoes on.
Eve: "I can't believe God is making me leave too. This is all your fault."
Let the record show, that piece of fruit condemned us to the single most painful process...childbirth. The moral of the story is, we're allowed to be bitchy since we paid for the fruit.
Bitchelations 17.38 - Thou shall run when you feel my wrath. But I shall be better after thy nap.