I Have A Very Specific Set of Skills, Just Ask Your Mom

I know I've been MIA for a hot minute now, but I have a perfectly valid excuse. Comcast sucks and they think it's acceptable for me to live without the Internet. (I know, I know. The horror of it all.) Anyway, seven customer service agents and three house calls later I'm back in business. I've come away from the experience with some pretty useful knowledge, though.

1. Somehow I had an unknown hot spot (and I'm not talkin about my neck) that was letting my neighbors sponge off my service. If you're not good at sharing, like me, check your WiFi connections and make sure you don't see one that has an identical signal strength to your existing WiFi network. In my case, it was called "xfinitywifi" and every cheap bastard on my block was no doubt using it. Don't panic if you also have one, as Comcast has assured me that my nudes important documents are safe unless there's a seasoned hacker sitting outside of my house. If I were to sell my sex tape before it was leaked, who'd buy it? Show of hands, please. Christmas wasn't cheap this year.

2. There are still people with a sense of humor left. After having to communicate my WiFi's network name eleven trillion times, I got more cheers than jeers for my network name-

3. People are nosy af and I'm uber anti-social, so I get a little anxious in situations where people come to my house. (This includes repairmen, the UPS guy, children selling shit, Grandma, etc.)  I watched all of these service guys case the joint when they came in. Mostly they were looking at photos on the walls, which made me start to think the worst. What if they notice how perfect my kids are? They could come back and abduct them. Maybe they have a thing for thirty-something moms who curse a lot and drink bourbon? I mean, it could happen.

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That's when it hit me,  you have to stage your house for shit like this. Stay with me on this, you guys. You don't want these potential predators to see your adorable kids, your smoking hot wife, & your purebred pooches. Your husband is probably safe, though, so I wouldn't get too twisted about that.

You know how picture frames come with the generic ready made family photo? Never throw those away. Instead, place them behind your own photos so you can make a quick switch before service repair men come to your house.

Take it a step further to ensure not only will they not come back to rob, rape, or abduct anyone in your house by replacing the photos with some well....ultra scary pics. The less visually appealing the better.

Yes, I'm well aware I'm going to hell for this and I'm okay with that. Feel free to print these babies off and slap them right into your picture frames. And just like that, your family is a bit safer than they were before you read this post. Tell me this isn't a brilliant idea. I may not be a Pinterest princess, but I'm as good as Liam Neeson at keeping your loved ones safe. Just ask your Mom.