Friday, January 20, 2017

I Have A Very Specific Set of Skills, Just Ask Your Mom



I know I've been MIA for a hot minute now, but I have a perfectly valid excuse. Comcast sucks and they think it's acceptable for me to live without the Internet. (I know, I know. The horror of it all.) Anyway, seven customer service agents and three house calls later I'm back in business. I've come away from the experience with some pretty useful knowledge, though.

1. Somehow I had an unknown hot spot (and I'm not talkin about my neck) that was letting my neighbors sponge off my service. If you're not good at sharing, like me, check your WiFi connections and make sure you don't see one that has an identical signal strength to your existing WiFi network. In my case, it was called "xfinitywifi" and every cheap bastard on my block was no doubt using it. Don't panic if you also have one, as Comcast has assured me that my nudes important documents are safe unless there's a seasoned hacker sitting outside of my house. If I were to sell my sex tape before it was leaked, who'd buy it? Show of hands, please. Christmas wasn't cheap this year.



2. There are still people with a sense of humor left. After having to communicate my WiFi's network name eleven trillion times, I got more cheers than jeers for my network name-



3. People are nosy af and I'm uber anti-social, so I get a little anxious in situations where people come to my house. (This includes repairmen, the UPS guy, children selling shit, Grandma, etc.)  I watched all of these service guys case the joint when they came in. Mostly they were looking at photos on the walls, which made me start to think the worst. What if they notice how perfect my kids are? They could come back and abduct them. Maybe they have a thing for thirty-something moms who curse a lot and drink bourbon? I mean, it could happen.

That's when it hit me,  you have to stage your house for shit like this. Stay with me on this, you guys. You don't want these potential predators to see your adorable kids, your smoking hot wife, & your purebred pooches. Your husband is probably safe, though, so I wouldn't get too twisted about that.

You know how picture frames come with the generic ready made family photo? Never throw those away. Instead, place them behind your own photos so you can make a quick switch before service repair men come to your house.




Take it a step further to ensure not only will they not come back to rob, rape, or abduct anyone in your house by replacing the photos with some well....ultra scary pics. The less visually appealing the better.






Yes, I'm well aware I'm going to hell for this and I'm okay with that. Feel free to print these babies off and slap them right into your picture frames. And just like that, your family is a bit safer than they were before you read this post. Tell me this isn't a brilliant idea. I may not be a Pinterest princess, but I'm as good as Liam Neeson at keeping your loved ones safe. Just ask your Mom.




My Random Musings

Being A Wordsmith

Life Love and Dirty Dishes

http://www.devastateboredom.com/

Admissions Of A Working Mother

Sincerely, Paula


Epic Mommy Adventures

28 comments:

  1. O M G .
    Why are you so funny?
    Lol @ WiFi stealers, cheap bastards. Glad that was resolved.
    & the ugly photos might be the most brilliant idea ever. Ever.
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes

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    1. I've been told it's genetic. ;)

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  2. hahaha hilarious... made me think I shouldn't throw the photos in the frames when I buy them..lol and how annoying are you neighbours to steal your wifi #stayclassymama

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    1. I'm telling you, keep those stock photos. You never know when you may need them. Thanks for visiting and taking the time to read my insanity!

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  3. haha this was great! Sucks about the Wifi stealers. That's just like how my bf and I named our wifi channel "Room of Requirement" and it went down once and someone else in the apartment stole our name! D-bags! The ugly photos are so funny lol. brilliant!

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    1. Bwhahah @ Room of Requirement! Love it! I'd be so pissed if someone stole my name. Some people are so basic that even we can't help them. LOL. Thanks for reading!

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  4. I like this, I feel like I've gained a life skill! Would be funny just to do to your friends/ family and see if anyone said anything! Bastards still your wifi though #stayclassymama

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    1. LMAO I never even thought to do it as a prank! But I think I'm going to have to now. Stay tuned!

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  5. Love this. My MIL actually has pictures like that in her house! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

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    1. Bwhahaha! Does she really? Love it!

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  6. You remind me of a guy on Reddit who photoshopped Vladmir Putin into all his family pictures hanging on the walls just to see if his family noticed over the holidays. Maybe you could start a business doing this for people?

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    1. Whahhaahaha! That's brilliant! Maybe I should make a business out of it? It could be fun AND make money....If I get rich, I won't forget that you gave me the idea. ;)

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  7. Why have I been throwing those fake pictures away! Dang, thanks for the schooling,because I have thought the same thing about some pretty shifty repairmen in my life....

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    1. I'm telling you, keep those pictures! I'm probably way over-paranoid, but having strangers in my house always freaks me out. You can never be too safe!

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  8. I leave my house a wreck all the time. That way if anyone decides to break in, they'll think we've already been robbed!

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    1. You, my friend, are a GENIUS!

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  9. Girl, stop! LOL I hate when my internet connection is down or slow. Feels like I don't even remember what the world was like before it existed.

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    1. LOL I remember once we had a horrible storm and our power was out for like 15 hours. My kids were hysterical because the microwave wouldn't work. "How will we live, Mom?" Bahahaha. I don't know if we would have fared well in a world before technology.

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  10. Best wifi name ever! And now we know the true purpose behind Awkward Family Photos. Also...had to share that Liam Neeson meme with my husband. Still giggling at that one! 😂

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    1. You can never go wrong with a Liam Neeson meme or a "your Mom" reference. They're both golden. Thanks for always reading me, Leslie. Means a lot! :) XO

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  11. Bahahaha, you make a brilliant Liam Neeson. Those photos, my husband has loads of corkers like that from when he was a kid! #FridayFrolics

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    1. I'd like to think I'm a more attractive, larger busted version of Liam. ;) I look back at old pics and think who tf dressed me? LOL.

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  12. Love this - I have definite leanings this way too! Also not a fan of people being in the house! Thanks so much for joining us on #FridayFrolics

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  13. Those pictures are awful! That would scare away anyone.

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  14. It sounds like hell being without internet for so long. Love your photo switch trickery though lol
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes :)
    Debbie

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  15. OMG...How have I not read this before? This is hilarious. You're a hoot. LOVE!

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