Friday, December 16, 2016

That Time I Vajazzled

Vajazzle - Wikipedia

vajazzle (also spelled vagazzle) is a form of genital decoration, formed by the application of crystal ornaments on the shaved pubic area of a woman.

I have no shame, so I didn't think twice about sharing my Vajazzle story with you guys. 

I love bling. (Who doesn't?) Diamonds, rhinestones, Swarovski crystals; I've got them. In my ears, on my fingers, neck, & wrists. So when I first heard about vajazzling quite some time ago, I was like "yes, please!" 

I carefully chose a few designs and placed my order. Then I waited.

My sweet little old mailman delivered my package, having no idea that he was handing over my vajay bling. 

For inquiring minds, you should either get waxed or shave before application. Think Damon Wayan's head.

You feel me? Okay. The design peels off its packaging and you then place it directly onto the desired area. It was actually really easy. I admired my Picasso-like work in the full-length mirror. 


I'm not going to lie, you guys. I was pretty damn impressed. I'll spare you the raunchy details, but suffice it to say my decorated downstairs unleashed my inner pornstar. I'll leave it at that. 

Vajazzling lasts roughly three days. By the end of day two, I was starting to lose a crystal here and a crystal there, but the design, for the most part, was intact. 

That evening, I started having sharp, stabbing pains in my side. Convinced it was probably a UTI, I started chugging water. Which led me to the bathroom a hundred trillion times. 

The morning of day four greeted me with a fever. At this point, I had forgotten my vajazzled vagina altogether. I spent the entire day sick in bed, getting up only to pee. That evening during my eleven billionth pee break, I felt something weird when I was wiping. (Is this where people say TMI?) Anyway, I thought I felt a small bump, like down there. I immediately flipped shit because I'm a hypochondriac and it had to be a tumor, obviously. So I did what any neurotic woman would do. I went to the emergency room. 

"It's probably bladder cancer. Do you think? Can women get vag cancer?" I asked my husband in hysterics on our way to the hospital. "If I die, don't tell people I died of crotch cancer, okay?" My husband shook his head. I'll bet he was questioning his decision to wife me.

I get to the E.R. where they immediately admit me for the now 104-degree fever. Now I'm vomiting and my dignity is out the window. The attending physician came in to examine me. I gave a urine sample, way too many vials of blood, and then Doc said we should do a pelvic exam, just in case. 

Ladies, you know what this is. The dreaded speculum, or as I like to call it the shoe horn. 

"Are these piercings?" The doctor asked while he was inserting the speculum. 

"Whuuuuu?" I was confused and probably semi-psychotic from the brain frying fever.

"I think those are subdermal implants." Said a cute, younger nurse. 

That's when it hit me. They were talking about my V bling. Why didn't I take this shit off before I got here?  

"No, no, no. I'm vajazzled." I whispered. 

"You're what?" Asked the doctor as if he were partially deaf. 

"Vajazzled. They're like, I don't know,  stick on crystals." I muttered. So horrified. I'm trying to explain to this much older doctor why I have a blinged out beav

"I think I have a tumor in there," I told Dr. Whatsavajazzle. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. 

After a quick pelvic exam, Dr. Whatsavajazzle held his finger up and announced he had located the "tumor." It was a Swarovski crystal, you know from my accessorized vagina. It had somehow managed to crawl it's way inside me. Awkwardddddd.

Crisis averted or so I thought. I ended up needing surgery on my kidneys (unrelated to the Vajazzle experience, for the record) and spent a week in the hospital. I was told my vajazzle job was the talk of the operating room, though. What can I say? I aim to please.

Have you ever vajazzled? Would you? Are you mortified for me?

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  1. HA HA HA! Poor doc, was like wtf? You're crazy. Sucks that harmless bling brought you to kidney surgery! Great post though, good laugh. Thanks for sharing!

    1. It wasn't the blings fault, it was the substandard kidney's fault. LOL. Have a great weekend! #TrafficJamWeekend

  2. Ha ha ha. What's the chances? Glad you can laugh about it later.

    1. lol I swear to you if there's a 1% chance something will happen, it'll happen to me! Thank you so much for reading!

  3. Anonymous12/20/2016

    Why oh why did I choose to read your post in my doctor's waiting room? I am snorting! No, I haven't vajazzled and definitely plan to never do it now! I guess all those porn star acrobatics backfired on you. ;-) Thanks for sharing your story (NOT over sharing in my view). #picknmix

    1. Bwhahaaa! It brings me such happiness to make someone laugh in public. :-) Bonus points if someone witnessed it & assumed you were crazy.
      You can bet I'll never vajazzle again unless I take a vow of celibacy. (So never. Lol)
      I love that you didn't think I overshared. The blog world is a tricky balance!

  4. I believe I told you that I've been bingewatching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. Well, I just watched the vajazzled episode! HA This made my day. Thanks for sharing on #trafficjamweekend.

  5. I've never tried vajazzling and after this I don't think I ever will haha! you must have been mortified trying to explain a vajazzle to the doc lol
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes :)