I have no shame, so I didn't think twice about sharing my Vajazzle story with you guys.
I love bling. (Who doesn't?) Diamonds, rhinestones, Swarovski crystals; I've got them. In my ears, on my fingers, neck, & wrists. So when I first heard about
vajazzling quite some time ago, I was like "yes, please!"
I carefully chose a few designs and placed my order. Then I waited.
My sweet little old mailman delivered my package, having no idea that he was handing over my
For inquiring minds, you should either get waxed or shave before application. Think Damon Wayan's head.
You feel me? Okay. The design peels off its packaging and you then place it directly onto the desired area. It was actually really easy. I admired my Picasso-like work in the full-length mirror.
I'm not going to lie, you guys. I was pretty damn impressed. I'll spare you the raunchy details, but suffice it to say my decorated downstairs unleashed my inner
pornstar. I'll leave it at that.
That evening, I started having sharp, stabbing pains in my side. Convinced it was probably a UTI, I started chugging water. Which led me to the bathroom a hundred trillion times.
The morning of day four greeted me with a fever. At this point, I had forgotten my
"It's probably bladder cancer. Do you think? Can women get
I get to the E.R.
Ladies, you know what this is. The dreaded speculum, or as I like to call it the shoe horn.
"I think those are
That's when it hit me. They were talking about my V bling. Why didn't I take this shit off before I got here?
"No, no, no. I'm
"You're what?" Asked the doctor as if he were partially deaf.
"I think I have a tumor in there," I told Dr.
After a quick pelvic exam, Dr.
Crisis averted or so I thought. I ended up needing surgery on my kidneys (unrelated to the Vajazzle experience, for the record) and spent a week in the hospital. I was told my
Have you ever
vajazzled? Would you? Are you mortified for me?