1. Crocs - I don't care if these are Maison Margiela, they're hideously ugly. Gianni Versace could literally call me from the other side and tell me to wear these and I'd have to tell him nah.
Photo via CHIKO Shoes
2. Kitty Cat Claws - I just don't like them. I tried. I wanted to. All I can think of is the horrific amounts of bacteria and disease that live under them. One false move and a simple scratch could jump off a rabies epidemic. These are more of a weapon than a fashion statement. I will, however, reserve the right to file my nails into shivs should I ever end up in prison.
Ladies, please be careful wiping with these.
3. The new normal that is a woman's ass. Remember when a heart shaped, firm Goldie Hawn ass was the thing to have? Then Sir Mix A Lot stirred the pot, the Kardashians came along, and, well...
4. Fanny packs - Do I really even need to elaborate?
5. Septum piercings - I don't have anything against piercings, per se. But these are so played out. If you have a septum piercing, I automatically assume you probably hula hoop and have washed your hands with your own urine at a music festival. (On a side note, if I were forced to have an aggressive confrontation with someone sporting a septum ring, I'd rip it right out, leaving you crippled in agony.) Food for thought.
6. Half-shaved heads - You just have to be a certain type of person to pull this look off. I've seen it be done, but not very often. Pick a struggle already.
7. Overdrawn lips - Calm down, makeup mamas. I don't mean giving yourself a tiny bit of oomph with your lip liner. I'm talking about this madness:
Your mother doesn't even want to kiss you with that mouth.
8. Do it yourself eyebrows- A woman's eyebrow game is really important and it's amazing what a nice shaped brow does for your face. HOWEVER...painting them on in sharpie isn't attractive. Be it pencil thin or way too thick, this trend has to go. You know how to fix that, ladies? STOP SHAVING OFF ALL YOUR EYEBROWS. The hair will actually grow back in. It's shocking, I know.
9. Cloaked coats - You know what I'm talking about, Kim Kardashian. The idea of draping my own coat over my shoulders, as if I'm just borrowing it for a moment doesn't do it for me. It yells out "I'm just trying to camouflage my back fat and conceal my aging armpits." It's like calling the police on yourself.
10. Furry phone cases, shoes, and bags. - Because nothing says fierce like an iPhone that looks like it's wearing a gerbil.
Tell me I'm not alone in this. What trends do you hope get left behind in 2017?