Monday, September 12, 2016

Hey, What's Up, Hello.

Disclaimer: If you're reading this I should be perfectly clear and disclose that I am not a doctor and am in no way affiliated with WebMd. I have however diagnosed myself, my family and friend with conditions ranging from cancer to canker sores. Gallstones, more cancer, and herpes. (Uncle Dave, I'm glad I could point you to the clinic during that painful time in your life.) I've looked into the face of death countless times with the click of a mouse or swipe on my phone and I'm guessing that you have too. How else would you end up here?

That's an ingrown hair, not a tumor by the way. You're welcome.



Why should you stick around and read my blog? That's a great question. I'm spunky, with a positive attitude and a passion for-I'm lying. I am totally bullshitting you. The truth is, I'm a bit abrasive. I've been called risque, tongue in cheek, and a lot of other things you wouldn't want me to say in front of your children. I have a friend that says if she never gets to witness a solar eclipse, she'll always be able to say she knew me. 

Oh, you can call me Lana. That’s my not name, by the way, but that’s what you can call me. This is the part where I am supposed to engage you, be relatable, and if I’m really lucky, be the heroine that wins your seal of approval.

That’s probably not going to happen.

Joan of Arc, I am not. My own parents don't even really care much for me, so it would be a bit of a stretch for me to crawl into your psyche and snuggle your soul. I’d best describe myself as callous and accidentally offensive. Jaded with a splash of  'I'm getting way too old for this shit.'

Is anyone still reading this?

A little about myself:

I'm a happily married mother of two, early mid-thirties. Ish. I love flavored coffees, whore red lipstick, and Netflix. I don't like wooden tongue depressors, Chipotle, or extreme feminists. I do keep up with the Kardashians low key. I know. I'm ashamed of myself too and would appreciate if it could be our little secret. So basically like my Dad's "special Ukranian penpal." Those drives to the secret P.O. box were some of my favorite memories with you, Pops.

I digress. (When I say I digress, it's code for let's take a shot.)

So yeah, welcome to WebMDiva. Unlike how I feel about my inlaws, I hope you stick around. Buckle up and don't forget to tip your waitress. 

2 comments:

  1. I've just made you my Primary Care Physician. ��

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The doctor will see you now. 💁🏻

      Delete