Friday, September 30, 2016

Web Roundup

A collection of things around the world wide web that make me lol, scratch my head, or contemplate clawing my eyes out. Enjoy!

Instagram "Entrepreneur" & Blogger, Sheneka Adams shares her dirty secret for taut, flawless skin.

I mean, her skin certainly looks gorgeous. So how does she give such good face? Simple. Sperm facials.

I'm pretty sure her post has since been deleted, but this is just NUTS. (See what I did there?)

Image result for iphone eye emoji

Kanye West is going viral and not for being a douche bag. I know, I was surprised too. The Internet is saying this is the only lock screen you'll ever need. If the Internet says it, it must be true.

I still think K.W. is a douche. But for the sake of research, I made him my lock screen.

 For five minutes.

(Card by This and That Creations, Inc. Check them out on Etsy.)

It seems an anonymous bride was faced with a rather indecent proposal. According to a Reddit post, the young bride was offered $10,000 by her older sister to crown her maid of honor over the sibling's youngest sister. Scandalous! Would you take a bridal bribe like this? I would. Sorry, Sis. Blood may be thicker than water, but dollars make sense!

Life with Baby Kicks

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Vodka Makes Everything Better

So I know I was talking about doing a Pinterest Fail Friday for you guys last week. I didn't, because I fail even at failure. My heart was in the right place though. Here's what my weekend produced.

I spray painted a rock gold. Yes, A rock. 

My intention was to scatter dozens of gold spray painted river rocks throughout my backyard walkway. Who doesn't love gold, right? I barely managed to spray the first rock and my can of gold paint was empty. There I sat with my lone golden rock.

I was starting to think that Pinterest wasn't my forte, that's when I found this:

This is totally doable, I thought to myself. I can freeze liquid. This had to be a sure thing. I went to the store, picked up a few ice trays (do people still use ice trays?) and hurried home to mix up two flavors of Kool-Aid. I ended up forgetting about the adorably cute cubes until I was pillaging the freezer for ice cream late last night. Not wanting my work to be for nothing, I tossed some cherry ice cubes into a cup, dumped some Mountain Dew (and 2 shots of Red, White & Berry Smirnoff Vodka) on top of them, and boom....I was tipsy.

Hmmm. Maybe presentation isn't my forte either. Back to the drawing board for your girl. 

Monday, September 19, 2016

It's Monday & Shit Just Got Pinteresting

It seems like only yesterday I was basking in my Sunday Funday glory. Wait, I was. But much like my credit card bill, Monday comes whether I want it to or not.

On a happier note, I won a really cool giveaway from Canvas Factory hosted by the lovely Trisha at Testing Trisha. I'm super excited and trying to decide which photo I'm going to use. Maybe a selfie with fierce winged eyeliner, clad in a mesh bodysuit, sans bra? Is that too Kim K? If I make it black and white it's artistic, though right? I don't know. I guess I'll have to drink about it, but I'll keep you guys posted.

In other news, I'm on Pinterest now and I'm fairly sure I could do a Pinterest Fail Friday deal. I feel inadequate yet sickly obsessed at the same time. Are you on Pinterest? Drop me a comment & I'll follow you, leaving me feeling more insecure about my lack of craftiness. 

This is where we part. I'm armed with spray paint, a glue gun, & wax paper. I'm about to break bad like MacGyver if he had ovaries and lush lashes. Stay tuned!

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Sunday Funday

On Sundays I try not to be a complete ├╝ber-bitch. I've recently (today) adopted the Sunday Funday mantra.

Instead of spending the day whining about the weekend being over, scrubbing toilets, catching up on laundry, or making lunches for tomorrow, I:

Wore sultry red lipstick. 
Stopped by Rue21, just because. 
Had my bedtime Xanax after lunch. 
Painted my nails. 
Binge watched the first half of Season 2 of OITNB. 

I'm not sure what anyone is eating or wearing tomorrow, so we'll just wing it...Because Sunday Funday. 

What did you do today?

Cute Rue pick ups-a big mug that will help me swallow tomorrow morning & a makeup bag that says it all. 

Merchandise total: $2.45.
RX: $3.00
Netflix: $9.99
My Zen level: PRICELESS

Monday, September 12, 2016

Hey, What's Up, Hello.

Disclaimer: If you're reading this I should be perfectly clear and disclose that I am not a doctor and am in no way affiliated with WebMd. I have however diagnosed myself, my family and friend with conditions ranging from cancer to canker sores. Gallstones, more cancer, and herpes. (Uncle Dave, I'm glad I could point you to the clinic during that painful time in your life.) I've looked into the face of death countless times with the click of a mouse or swipe on my phone and I'm guessing that you have too. How else would you end up here?

That's an ingrown hair, not a tumor by the way. You're welcome.

Why should you stick around and read my blog? That's a great question. I'm spunky, with a positive attitude and a passion for-I'm lying. I am totally bullshitting you. The truth is, I'm a bit abrasive. I've been called risque, tongue in cheek, and a lot of other things you wouldn't want me to say in front of your children. I have a friend that says if she never gets to witness a solar eclipse, she'll always be able to say she knew me. 

Oh, you can call me Lana. That’s my not name, by the way, but that’s what you can call me. This is the part where I am supposed to engage you, be relatable, and if I’m really lucky, be the heroine that wins your seal of approval.

That’s probably not going to happen.

Joan of Arc, I am not. My own parents don't even really care much for me, so it would be a bit of a stretch for me to crawl into your psyche and snuggle your soul. I’d best describe myself as callous and accidentally offensive. Jaded with a splash of  'I'm getting way too old for this shit.'

Is anyone still reading this?

A little about myself:

I'm a happily married mother of two, early mid-thirties. Ish. I love flavored coffees, whore red lipstick, and Netflix. I don't like wooden tongue depressors, Chipotle, or extreme feminists. I do keep up with the Kardashians low key. I know. I'm ashamed of myself too and would appreciate if it could be our little secret. So basically like my Dad's "special Ukranian penpal." Those drives to the secret P.O. box were some of my favorite memories with you, Pops.

I digress. (When I say I digress, it's code for let's take a shot.)

So yeah, welcome to WebMDiva. Unlike how I feel about my inlaws, I hope you stick around. Buckle up and don't forget to tip your waitress.