Thursday, December 29, 2016

Web Roundup - Teen Mom, ChyRob, and a Pagan Priest


You know what time it is! Web Roundup is when I compile stories I dig out of the gutter up from the web and share them with you. If you haven't read previous roundups, you'll know I love me some celeb gossip and bizarre news. I actually meant to get this post up before the holidays but I didn't. Because exhaustion. Better late than never though. So without further ado, let's get it started.

I don't know if you guys follow Teen Mom, but obviously, I do. If you don't watch, you'll have no clue what I'm talking about, so just skip this story. I was catching up on my DVR shows the other night and OH-EM-GEE! I don't advocate violence but I secretly pleaded with the MTV Gods to let Amber Portwood's fist make contact with Farrah Abraham's face. 


 My prayers went unanswered, though. Le' sigh. Maybe next time? I really don't like Farrah, you guys. Oh well, moving on.


 Rob Kardashian and his fiance, Blac Chyna (real name Angela White) have been all over the place since the birth of their daughter, Dream. The on again, off again couple are the epitome of dysfunctional. Allegedly Blac assaulted Rob and moved out of the couple's home, taking baby Dream with her. Now we're hearing they're back together just in time for Ms. White to go to the K-dash Christmas get-together. Well played, Blac, well played.


If you've had the misfortune of visiting your local BMV lately, you already know there are some new "rules" in regards to having your photo taken. These rules vary by state. Four states have now banned smiling if your teeth are showing. That baffles me, because what's more identifiable than someone's grill? Amirite? You also have to tuck your hair behind your ears so they are visible. As if taking a good driver's license photo isn't hard enough all on its own. Jeesh. Maine, however, must be very lax with their photo rules. Because this Pagan priest was granted the right of donning horns in his driver's license photo. WHUUUU?


Phelan Moonsong (which I presume isn't his government name) says unless he is sleeping or bathing, he always sports his goat horns. While this was disputed and ultimately overturned, citing religious beliefs, Mr. Moonsong managed to keep his horns. And you thought your photo was bad.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Twas The Night Before Christmas...


This is it, you guys. It's Christmas Eve and Santa is coming for his cookies. Don't worry, I've got you covered on this one. In case you missed my Feed Me & Tell Me I'm Pretty post, here is my recipe for Basic Bitch Peanut Butter Cookies.

http://www.webmdiva.com/2016/12/feed-me-and-tell-me-im-pretty-basic.html


All you need are three ingredients and about five minutes of your time. So easy, anyone can make these without catching the kitchen on fire or giving someone food poisoning. Of course, if all else fails you can go with my personal favorite fall back plan:

Feeling half assed for buying store bought cookies? It's okay, I found your redemption on Pinterest.




You can get as creative as you want with this cute DIY Santa plate. As for getting the kids to sleep tonight, good luck! What kind of cookies are you leaving out for Santa? Do you leave him a beverage too? Drop me a comment, because I'm nosy like that.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Santa's Lap - Where Kids Go To Flip Shit


I'm not sure what it is about Santa, but while kids love the thought of him coming down the chimney and stuffing their stockings, they certainly don't want to be up close and personal with the big man in red. 

While I know I shouldn't get such personal enjoyment out of it, I can't help but LOL when I see Saint Nick with a lap full of sobbing kids. Put me on the naughty list. That's where I belong anyway.


via GIPHY


In the spirit of Christmas, let's watch some kids lose their shit with Santa.


The kid who wants to keep calm, but just isn't feeling it.


When one kid is trying to help their sibling make it through so he can place his order with S.C.


The domino effect.


The kid who secretly loves his sibling's misery.


Double trouble. If you can't beat'em......join them.


The kid who knows damn well she's already on the naughty list and doesn't want to waste her time. (Me.)


When Dad takes one for the team, much to Santa's dismay.


Did your kids ever have a meltdown on Santa's lap? Leave me a comment telling me about it. It'll warm my cold heart. ;-)



Being A Wordsmith
#trafficjamweekend


Thursday, December 22, 2016

Last Minute Christmas Shopping With Ambien



With just three sleeps left until Christmas, I decided it appropriate to share some shopping purchases brought to you by Ambien.




Sea Stone Splash Sponge Holder

Because who doesn't want a gorgeous stone holder for their bacteria infested sponge?





Finger Hands

I'm at a loss for words on this one, you guys. Perhaps this would be a great gift for your cousin who drops way too much acid?




Lucky Yodelling Christmas Pickle Ornament

What tree is complete without a pickle ornament that can yodel?



Bubble Wrap Costume

For the conspiracy theorist Uncle who is certain, that aliens are invading his innermost personal thoughts. Also a nice buy for Aunt Gladys who keeps breaking her hip.




Pooch Power Dog Poop Vacuum

For pet owners who are too cool to use plastic bags to clean up behind Fido.




Ab/Hancer

Uncle Merv can finally declare he has a six pack and not be referring to his Pabst Blue Ribbon.



I once ordered a kitty condo on Amazon, hours after taking Ambien to help me sleep.
 I don't even have a cat.

Have you ever made an Ambien induced purchase? Tell me about it!

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

10 Trends That We All Wish Would Die

I'm putting myself at risk (10 times) of offending someone today. I'm reckless like that. Here are 10 trends that we all (me) want to see left in 2016.


1. Crocs - I don't care if these are Maison Margiela, they're hideously ugly. Gianni Versace could literally call me from the other side and tell me to wear these and I'd have to tell him nah.






Photo via CHIKO Shoes

2. Kitty Cat Claws - I just don't like them. I tried. I wanted to. All I can think of is the horrific amounts of bacteria and disease that live under them. One false move and a simple scratch could jump off a rabies epidemic. These are more of a weapon than a fashion statement. I will, however, reserve the right to file my nails into shivs should I ever end up in prison.






Ladies, please be careful wiping with these.






 3. The new normal that is a woman's ass. Remember when a heart shaped, firm Goldie Hawn ass was the thing to have? Then Sir Mix A Lot stirred the pot, the Kardashians came along, and, well...





4. Fanny packs - Do I really even need to elaborate?




5. Septum piercings - I don't have anything against piercings, per se. But these are so played out. If you have a septum piercing, I automatically assume you probably hula hoop and have washed your hands with your own urine at a music festival. (On a side note, if I were forced to have an aggressive confrontation with someone sporting a septum ring, I'd rip it right out, leaving you crippled in agony.) Food for thought.





Accurate af.


6. Half-shaved heads - You just have to be a certain type of person to pull this look off. I've seen it be done, but not very often. Pick a struggle already.




7. Overdrawn lips - Calm down, makeup mamas. I don't mean giving yourself a tiny bit of oomph with your lip liner. I'm talking about this madness:




Your mother doesn't even want to kiss you with that mouth.


8. Do it yourself eyebrows- A woman's eyebrow game is really important and it's amazing what a nice shaped brow does for your face. HOWEVER...painting them on in sharpie isn't attractive. Be it pencil thin or way too thick, this trend has to go. You know how to fix that, ladies? STOP SHAVING OFF ALL YOUR EYEBROWS. The hair will actually grow back in. It's shocking, I know.




9. Cloaked coats - You know what I'm talking about, Kim Kardashian. The idea of draping my own coat over my shoulders, as if I'm just borrowing it for a moment doesn't do it for me. It yells out "I'm just trying to camouflage my back fat and conceal my aging armpits." It's like calling the police on yourself.





10. Furry phone cases, shoes, and bags. - Because nothing says fierce like an iPhone that looks like it's wearing a gerbil.





Tell me I'm not alone in this. What trends do you hope get left behind in 2017?





JENerally Informed
Epic Mommy Adventures

My Random Musings




Sunday, December 18, 2016

What's The Big Fvcking Difference? Ipsy vs. Birchbox



I love my subscription services. From Amazon Prime to Netflix, Ipsy, & Birchbox, I dabble in a little bit of everything. I thought it might be helpful to break down the difference between two of my favorites. Maybe I'll keep this as a running thing, differentiating between similar products. We'll see.

I love cosmetics, cheap price tags, and getting things in the mail. Along came Birchbox and Ipsy. For $10 a month, each company sends you a box tailored to your personalized beauty profile. 

 Ipsy



The biggest difference between these two beauty sub services is that you get your Ipsy in a cute zippered pouch; while Birchbox comes in...you guessed it. A box. A cute box, but definitely not as useful as Ipsy's adorable pouches. 

In terms of product, it's a tight race. Each come with 5 product samples per month. (This month Ipsy threw in 3 face masks, so technically there were 7 items.) Both services, send you items from well-known companies like Benefit, theBalm, & tre'StiQue. Both services have also introduced me to new products and companies that I can't live without now. 

Ipsy Glam Bag:

Each month your glam bag has a theme, which makes it a lot of fun. November's glam bag theme was RockStarlet. (Last month's was Black Magic, because Halloween.) Reviewing each item you receive earns you points that you can cash in for rewards. The items change often and range from full-size cosmetics to makeup brushes. I will say, it seems to take me forever to rack up "points" and even longer to find something I love in the rewards store. But that's just me. Ipsy also has major giveaways, which is always a win. 

Birchbox:

Birchbox allows you to choose one of your samples each month in order to really customize the experience. They also have a points system. But the points convert to actual money that you can use to shop via Birchbox. If you haven't already checked out what you can buy from them, you really should. They carry EVERYTHING! I've managed to use my points to buy things like the  Anastasia Beverly Hills Contour Kit to my beloved Benefit Erase Paste, without spending a single dollar of my own. In terms of shopping, Birchbox slays Ipsy.

Bottom line, I love them both so I subscribe to both. But if someone put a gun to my head......


Birchbox wins!

Do you guys subscribe to either of these? 

This post does NOT contain affiliate links, I'm just sharing my opinion. However, if you should feel compelled to sign up for either service, feel free to sign up under me so I can cop a few extra points. 

Birchbox refer a friend link is HERE.
Ipsy refer a friend link is HERE.

Friday, December 16, 2016

That Time I Vajazzled

Vajazzle - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vajazzle

vajazzle (also spelled vagazzle) is a form of genital decoration, formed by the application of crystal ornaments on the shaved pubic area of a woman.

I have no shame, so I didn't think twice about sharing my Vajazzle story with you guys. 

I love bling. (Who doesn't?) Diamonds, rhinestones, Swarovski crystals; I've got them. In my ears, on my fingers, neck, & wrists. So when I first heard about vajazzling quite some time ago, I was like "yes, please!" 

I carefully chose a few designs and placed my order. Then I waited.

My sweet little old mailman delivered my package, having no idea that he was handing over my vajay bling. 

For inquiring minds, you should either get waxed or shave before application. Think Damon Wayan's head.



You feel me? Okay. The design peels off its packaging and you then place it directly onto the desired area. It was actually really easy. I admired my Picasso-like work in the full-length mirror. 


via GIPHY

I'm not going to lie, you guys. I was pretty damn impressed. I'll spare you the raunchy details, but suffice it to say my decorated downstairs unleashed my inner pornstar. I'll leave it at that. 

Vajazzling lasts roughly three days. By the end of day two, I was starting to lose a crystal here and a crystal there, but the design, for the most part, was intact. 

That evening, I started having sharp, stabbing pains in my side. Convinced it was probably a UTI, I started chugging water. Which led me to the bathroom a hundred trillion times. 



The morning of day four greeted me with a fever. At this point, I had forgotten my vajazzled vagina altogether. I spent the entire day sick in bed, getting up only to pee. That evening during my eleven billionth pee break, I felt something weird when I was wiping. (Is this where people say TMI?) Anyway, I thought I felt a small bump, like down there. I immediately flipped shit because I'm a hypochondriac and it had to be a tumor, obviously. So I did what any neurotic woman would do. I went to the emergency room. 

"It's probably bladder cancer. Do you think? Can women get vag cancer?" I asked my husband in hysterics on our way to the hospital. "If I die, don't tell people I died of crotch cancer, okay?" My husband shook his head. I'll bet he was questioning his decision to wife me.

I get to the E.R. where they immediately admit me for the now 104-degree fever. Now I'm vomiting and my dignity is out the window. The attending physician came in to examine me. I gave a urine sample, way too many vials of blood, and then Doc said we should do a pelvic exam, just in case. 



Ladies, you know what this is. The dreaded speculum, or as I like to call it the shoe horn. 

"Are these piercings?" The doctor asked while he was inserting the speculum. 

"Whuuuuu?" I was confused and probably semi-psychotic from the brain frying fever.

"I think those are subdermal implants." Said a cute, younger nurse. 

That's when it hit me. They were talking about my V bling. Why didn't I take this shit off before I got here?  

"No, no, no. I'm vajazzled." I whispered. 



"You're what?" Asked the doctor as if he were partially deaf. 



"Vajazzled. They're like, I don't know,  stick on crystals." I muttered. So horrified. I'm trying to explain to this much older doctor why I have a blinged out beav



"I think I have a tumor in there," I told Dr. Whatsavajazzle. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. 

After a quick pelvic exam, Dr. Whatsavajazzle held his finger up and announced he had located the "tumor." It was a Swarovski crystal, you know from my accessorized vagina. It had somehow managed to crawl it's way inside me. Awkwardddddd.

Crisis averted or so I thought. I ended up needing surgery on my kidneys (unrelated to the Vajazzle experience, for the record) and spent a week in the hospital. I was told my vajazzle job was the talk of the operating room, though. What can I say? I aim to please.






Have you ever vajazzled? Would you? Are you mortified for me?


Being A Wordsmith
My Random Musings



DomesticatedMomster
Life Love and Dirty Dishes